I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going back to the town where I grew up. I used to go there to visit my father but now, I’m staying with two childhood best friends Matt and Julia. I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m a little scared. I kind of hate going back there. I moved when I was like 8 and it’s always seemed to me like this parallel universe where I could have grown up someone completely different. But I didn’t, and I’ll never know how it would have been. I’m nervous and all, but I can’t fucking wait either.

This weekend (yesterday and today lumped into that mix) has been busy. Saturday Scott took me to see Batman. I loved it. Heath Ledger gave an all star performance that didn’t disappoint.  Scott is a tricky subject. He’s a former school mate who somehow became one of my best friends. Scott is not someone I would normally spend that much time with. He doesn’t do any drugs, he doesn’t drink, he’s a virgin. He reads and writes a lot. Maybe that’s why we became friends. I can’t really talk to most of my friends about books. And I, while still being fabulous, am a complete bookworm. Like sometimes, when I’m out with my friends, all I can think about is how I’d rather be reading. Scott is more than just my book buddy though. He used to have a crush on me but by the time I realized I needed to stop dating assholes and that while he’s not particularly attractive, Scott would be great for me, he had decided to move on. And so now, we’re in this limbo where we hint at it from time to time but neither of us has the balls to be serious. One day, when I get my shit together, it’ll happen. But I’m just not ready to be an adult yet. Soon, but not today.

After Batman, Lexi’s dad picked me up and I spent the night at her house. We did the usual, went to the park, took pictures, smoked pot, took more pictures, went out, smoked more pot, came home, slept. And of course the deep conversations happened too. Lexi makes me sad sometimes. She’s only 16 but we click because like me, she had to grow up too fast. Plus we share the depression/eating disorder history. I only had to grow up because my mom needed help taking care of my brother. Lexi had to grow up too fast due to a brother who raped her and a mom with a drug addiction. So often, she just seems so sad. Not to most people, she puts on a good front, but I know her completely and I can tell when she’s torn up inside. Sunday, when her dad took me home, we dropped her off at her mom’s house first. Well actually, we dropped her off at her mom’s halfway house. She’s my absolute best friend in this state and her situation with her mom makes me just want to hold her until she cries it all out.

Sunday was pretty lax. Wayne got off work around 9 and we went and got some pot and then went to the house of one of his co workers and smoked a blunt Then we went to the diner for a while before calling it a night.

Monday, the shit hit the fan. Blake is basically going crazy being stuck in his apartment all day. And when he gets bored, he calls Wayne and harasses him. Wayne expressed to Blake his frustration at the fact that Blake acts like Wayne owes him something. But he didn’t do it in the best way. He has this habit of bringing me into shit and so his exact words to Blake were “We’re sick of you always acting like we owe you something.” Which resulted in this text message from Blake : “im done with u bitch u call cops on me then talk shit on me to Wayne… i never asked u for anything but ciggarettes and u tell Wayne i act like i owe u something fuck you… skank” and now, Blake and I aren’t really talking because I can’t stand it when people accuse me instead of asking me. It’s probably best though if Wayne and I seperate ourselves from him for a while. Wayne’s too caring of a person to just drop Blake less than a week after his suicide attempt. But, I think he’s just about had it. And by the time I get back into town Blake will probably have moved back in with his mom out of state. I love him to death but I’m so sick of taking abuse from friends.

 

Last night, Wayne, Mya, Andrew, My Mom, Katie, and I got together for Weeds. It was great. That show never disappoints and I suggest you start watching it if you don’t already. We all (minus Mya because she came late) smoked a blunt before hand and then another with Mya and without Katie after. Mya spent the night because she didn’t feel like driving home all late at night.

Mya woke me up around 7 this morning and we took a shower together and then went out to breakfast. After breakfast, Mya gave me a ritalin and dropped me off at work. So now, I’m ready to go, and I won’t want to eat all day which is good because breakfast took up a good half of my daily calories so skipping lunch will be nice. Since I don’t have to waste time and money on stupid food today, I’m going to get a manicure instead.

I probably won’t be able to update much while I’m away due to this being a secret blog and all and my not wanting Matt and Julia to find it. But, I’ll keep a journal and post it all when I get back. Hang in there till I return my darling readers.

Who am I kidding? Noone reads this.

Does anyone read this?

If you do read this and enjoy it, you should go ahead and let me know. I mean, I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me, but it would be nice to know if anyone else finds my life as interesting as I do.

Till August 5th,

 

Jane Doe

Last night, Wayne and Blake and I watched Weeds at Blake’s apartment. Mya was planning to come but couldn’t. Andrew (my best friend and roommate) wasn’t invited per se. It’s not that we don’t adore Andrew, we do. But, he gets on everyone’s nerves just a tad. And I don’t like that he always feels the need to tag along with me and my friends without a proper invite. He almost never invites me on his outings. And I guess that teenager that’s still working her way out of me likes the power of being in the crowd that’s doing the excluding. The night was pretty relaxed really. We smoked like 5 bowls and watched Weeds and that new Showtime show about the call girl and then pretty much passed out. But, it was fun. Blake and Wayne are always fun. Andrew not so much recently.

We’re planning to throw a party on Friday and Andrew conveniently doesn’t have a phone right now so we’re not going to not invite him but we’re not going to invite him. I feel kind of bad making plans to exclude my best friend but dammit he’s just been such a downer lately. I see him everyday so it’s reasonable to get sick of him right?

Friday I hung out with Blake, his boyfriend, and Wayne. Blake’s boyfriend treated us all to a pretty decent amount of coke making for a kickass start of the weekend. There’s this beauty in coke that I can’t even begin to describe. This feeling of being just up and happy and almost like you can do anything. And that numbing not only of the gums but of everything bad. As is usually the case, I felt a bit uncomfortable in my own skin but that’s what happens when I get jacked up. The come down wasn’t bad, we watched south park and we had smoked some rez so we passed out pretty much as soon as we started to come down.

On Saturday, Wayne had to take me home at like 7 because he was going to the beach and I had to be home for lunch with Jen. Honestly, after being friends with her for 5 years or so, I still don’t know how I feel about Jen. I think she thinks she’s better than us now because she doesn’t do drugs anymore. But she really has a lot to do with the fact that any of us started. She was the first to smoke, the first to suggest coke, and the first to start popping pills. But now, because her boyfriend thinks drugs are stupid, she’s too good for us and our pot smoking. Not to mention, she’s tends to be a bit immature a lot of the time. I guess it could have something to do with the fact that she’s a bit younger but still.

Anyway, due to the fact that we never see each other anymore, we tend to actually enjoy each other when we do get together and Saturday was no exception. We walked around the neighborhood for a good 2 hours and went to the adult store so that she could finally join the masturbation club. For such a slut, she’s kind of a prude honestly.

Saturday evening was spent at a baseball game with the family which was a nice change of pace. It then of course went back to normal when Wayne got back from the beach and we headed over to Blake’s since we’re “house sitting” for him this weekend. Kali came over and a few blunts were smoked before the night before caught up with us and we just passed the fuck out.

 

Sunday was boring, chilled at home and then went back to Blake’s where some pot was smoked and some sleep was had. Now it’s monday and I’m sitting in the office exhausted. Weeds is on tonight and we’re watching at Blake’s. Lord know’s what’s in store.