I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going back to the town where I grew up. I used to go there to visit my father but now, I’m staying with two childhood best friends Matt and Julia. I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m a little scared. I kind of hate going back there. I moved when I was like 8 and it’s always seemed to me like this parallel universe where I could have grown up someone completely different. But I didn’t, and I’ll never know how it would have been. I’m nervous and all, but I can’t fucking wait either.

This weekend (yesterday and today lumped into that mix) has been busy. Saturday Scott took me to see Batman. I loved it. Heath Ledger gave an all star performance that didn’t disappoint.  Scott is a tricky subject. He’s a former school mate who somehow became one of my best friends. Scott is not someone I would normally spend that much time with. He doesn’t do any drugs, he doesn’t drink, he’s a virgin. He reads and writes a lot. Maybe that’s why we became friends. I can’t really talk to most of my friends about books. And I, while still being fabulous, am a complete bookworm. Like sometimes, when I’m out with my friends, all I can think about is how I’d rather be reading. Scott is more than just my book buddy though. He used to have a crush on me but by the time I realized I needed to stop dating assholes and that while he’s not particularly attractive, Scott would be great for me, he had decided to move on. And so now, we’re in this limbo where we hint at it from time to time but neither of us has the balls to be serious. One day, when I get my shit together, it’ll happen. But I’m just not ready to be an adult yet. Soon, but not today.

After Batman, Lexi’s dad picked me up and I spent the night at her house. We did the usual, went to the park, took pictures, smoked pot, took more pictures, went out, smoked more pot, came home, slept. And of course the deep conversations happened too. Lexi makes me sad sometimes. She’s only 16 but we click because like me, she had to grow up too fast. Plus we share the depression/eating disorder history. I only had to grow up because my mom needed help taking care of my brother. Lexi had to grow up too fast due to a brother who raped her and a mom with a drug addiction. So often, she just seems so sad. Not to most people, she puts on a good front, but I know her completely and I can tell when she’s torn up inside. Sunday, when her dad took me home, we dropped her off at her mom’s house first. Well actually, we dropped her off at her mom’s halfway house. She’s my absolute best friend in this state and her situation with her mom makes me just want to hold her until she cries it all out.

Sunday was pretty lax. Wayne got off work around 9 and we went and got some pot and then went to the house of one of his co workers and smoked a blunt Then we went to the diner for a while before calling it a night.

Monday, the shit hit the fan. Blake is basically going crazy being stuck in his apartment all day. And when he gets bored, he calls Wayne and harasses him. Wayne expressed to Blake his frustration at the fact that Blake acts like Wayne owes him something. But he didn’t do it in the best way. He has this habit of bringing me into shit and so his exact words to Blake were “We’re sick of you always acting like we owe you something.” Which resulted in this text message from Blake : “im done with u bitch u call cops on me then talk shit on me to Wayne… i never asked u for anything but ciggarettes and u tell Wayne i act like i owe u something fuck you… skank” and now, Blake and I aren’t really talking because I can’t stand it when people accuse me instead of asking me. It’s probably best though if Wayne and I seperate ourselves from him for a while. Wayne’s too caring of a person to just drop Blake less than a week after his suicide attempt. But, I think he’s just about had it. And by the time I get back into town Blake will probably have moved back in with his mom out of state. I love him to death but I’m so sick of taking abuse from friends.

 

Last night, Wayne, Mya, Andrew, My Mom, Katie, and I got together for Weeds. It was great. That show never disappoints and I suggest you start watching it if you don’t already. We all (minus Mya because she came late) smoked a blunt before hand and then another with Mya and without Katie after. Mya spent the night because she didn’t feel like driving home all late at night.

Mya woke me up around 7 this morning and we took a shower together and then went out to breakfast. After breakfast, Mya gave me a ritalin and dropped me off at work. So now, I’m ready to go, and I won’t want to eat all day which is good because breakfast took up a good half of my daily calories so skipping lunch will be nice. Since I don’t have to waste time and money on stupid food today, I’m going to get a manicure instead.

I probably won’t be able to update much while I’m away due to this being a secret blog and all and my not wanting Matt and Julia to find it. But, I’ll keep a journal and post it all when I get back. Hang in there till I return my darling readers.

Who am I kidding? Noone reads this.

Does anyone read this?

If you do read this and enjoy it, you should go ahead and let me know. I mean, I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me, but it would be nice to know if anyone else finds my life as interesting as I do.

Till August 5th,

 

Jane Doe