Monday morning. My alarm goes off at 8 and I wake up topless, my mouth dry, cuddled up next to Andrew, basking in the happiness of the night before. No, Andrew and I did not sleep together. He’s gay. He did however give me ecstasy last night and keep me company for a terrific roll.

Jump back to Sunday. I sleep most of the day because excruciating cramps have kept me awake all night. I watch movies and cry and wallow in self pity. Finally Andrew comes home and my world brightens up a little with my best friend beside me.

Andrew gives me a baggy and inside it is a beautiful gift. Ecstasy. 6 hours of unbelievable drug induced bliss. Just what I need after such a shit day. About a half hour after I take the pill, my world is transformed from one of misery to one of orgasmic happiness. The wind blowing past my body causes me to shiver with delight. I can do anything. I could fly if I wanted. I do want to, but I’m not stupid enough to think I can actually fly. And it doesn’t matter that I can’t because walking is like flying. I stretch and I can touch the stars. My limbs growing far past normal length. I am invincible. I am happy. Truly happy.

Andrew’s fingers dance along my back and it is as if a million tiny ballerinas are performing swan lake with my body as their stage. As they finish their performance and take their final bows, my body shakes in joy and pleasure.

Andrew tickles me and instead of jumping away as I usually do, I dissolve into a fit of laughter at the sensation on my body and the concept of tickling. What a funny thing it is really. My fit of laughter causes Andrew to laugh causing me to laugh harder and harder causing him to do the same. We spend a good half hour laughing uncontrollably. What a funny thing laughter is.

Andrew runs a feather across my body and I scream in delight at this new sensation. So familiar and so alien.

Andrew bites my arms and my neck and my ears. I errupt in delight.

I roll around on the bed amazed at my own body, every thing it can do and feel. All these new sensations. My leg rubbing against the mattress. The sheet floating about my body. My hair brushing against my back.

I fall asleep cuddled up with Andrew. Joni Mitchell carries me off to dream land. A sense of safety and comfort all around me.

Monday morning. My alarm goes off at 8 and I wake up topless, my mouth dry, cuddled up next to Andrew, basking in the happiness of the night before. It doesn’t matter that I have to work in an hour. It doesn’t matter that my womb is screaming at me. It doesn’t matter that I’m out of tampons. I’m on an ecstasy after glow with nothing but serotonin pulsing through my brain.

This weekend was quite lovely. Friday I came across some lovely mushrooms and went on a nice trip. Andrew stayed sober but was my traveling companion. We walked around town talking and singing and playing guitar. I was loud and eccentric and ridiculous and happy. The general theme of my trip that every moment and experience is unique and you’ll never have it again so you’d better fucking take it in. That and that I really wanted to frolick in a field with sheep and daisies. But such a field does not exist in my suburban hell.

As I was coming down, Mya came over and then Kia called me at midnight saying she needed a babysitter. So Mya and I went over to her house and smoked and talked about life just like we always do.

Saturday was Kia’s 4 year old’s birthday party so I stayed for the day and played with the kids until Wayne got off work at like 11 and picked me up. It was so good to see him since he left town right after I returned. We hung out with his current love interest Dan for a little bit and then called it a night.

Sunday, Andrew and I spent the day together. We went to Elizabeth’s because I wanted to see her girls and ended up spending hours hula hooping and playing princesses and hide and seek. It was nice. Then we went to Andrew’s mom’s house and I made a purchase for his step dad. They smoked with us and we stayed for dinner. Andrew’s mom is hilarious when she’s high. Then, I went home and went to sleep. Just as I hit R.E.M. sleep, Julia called me crying and so I talked to her for a while. Now it’s monday. The day seems slow. I hope.

Dieting is going well. More than anything I’ve just been trying to stay as active as possible. It’s not that hard really. And then watching what I eat somewhat. And the stackers. God I love those things.

And every thought’s a possibility. And the voices are heard but nothing is seen. Why do you spend this time with me? May be an equal mystery.

For anyone who doesn’t know, that’s the chorus to the Indigo Girls song Mystery. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is exactly how I felt last night.

Summer is coming to an end. And the nights are cool like Autumn. And last night, I hung out with Andrew all night and couldn’t help but wonder why on earth he puts up with my shit sometimes.

I’ve been really shitty with him lately. Not intentionally really. He was going through this faze before I left. Where he was experimenting with being transgender and wearing skirts and having purple hair. He was behaving in a way more flamboyant fashion than is true to him. And he was unhappy due to the negative energy people were sending him. And he was unhappy due to the fact that he hates his job. But, don’t we all?

While I was away, he was fired. And I came back to the Andrew I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. The Andrew who is always smiling and has this lust for life. The Andrew with the buzz cut dirty blonde hair. The Andrew with words of wisdom who wants to sit and talk about anything and everything well into the morning. The Andrew I know. The Andrew I love. The Andrew who is my best friend.

And so last night, we sat out on the deck and we tie-dyed. We tie-dyed my white flowy skirt and the Hello Kitty hoodie that my Autistic childhood friend got me from an anime convention. We smoked a bit. And we talked. About his transgender experiment, his happiness now that he’s not working that soul devouring job anymore, my potential move back to my home town to work as a nanny for Julia’s mom, and just life in general.

I have my best friend back finally. I have a way out of this dead end state. I have family and friends who love me. And, Autumn is slowly creeping up. And Autumn is a wonderful season. I can’t say it’s my favorite because I love them all for their own respective beauty. But Autumn, Autumn is certainly amazing. The way the air feels. And the colors of the leaves. As the nights start earlier and earlier and the whole world just feels and peace to me. I can’t wait. This will be my last Autumn here and I plan to enjoy it to the best of my ability.

And my two best friends are fucking in the shower. More in depth trip updates when I get home.

I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going back to the town where I grew up. I used to go there to visit my father but now, I’m staying with two childhood best friends Matt and Julia. I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m a little scared. I kind of hate going back there. I moved when I was like 8 and it’s always seemed to me like this parallel universe where I could have grown up someone completely different. But I didn’t, and I’ll never know how it would have been. I’m nervous and all, but I can’t fucking wait either.

This weekend (yesterday and today lumped into that mix) has been busy. Saturday Scott took me to see Batman. I loved it. Heath Ledger gave an all star performance that didn’t disappoint.  Scott is a tricky subject. He’s a former school mate who somehow became one of my best friends. Scott is not someone I would normally spend that much time with. He doesn’t do any drugs, he doesn’t drink, he’s a virgin. He reads and writes a lot. Maybe that’s why we became friends. I can’t really talk to most of my friends about books. And I, while still being fabulous, am a complete bookworm. Like sometimes, when I’m out with my friends, all I can think about is how I’d rather be reading. Scott is more than just my book buddy though. He used to have a crush on me but by the time I realized I needed to stop dating assholes and that while he’s not particularly attractive, Scott would be great for me, he had decided to move on. And so now, we’re in this limbo where we hint at it from time to time but neither of us has the balls to be serious. One day, when I get my shit together, it’ll happen. But I’m just not ready to be an adult yet. Soon, but not today.

After Batman, Lexi’s dad picked me up and I spent the night at her house. We did the usual, went to the park, took pictures, smoked pot, took more pictures, went out, smoked more pot, came home, slept. And of course the deep conversations happened too. Lexi makes me sad sometimes. She’s only 16 but we click because like me, she had to grow up too fast. Plus we share the depression/eating disorder history. I only had to grow up because my mom needed help taking care of my brother. Lexi had to grow up too fast due to a brother who raped her and a mom with a drug addiction. So often, she just seems so sad. Not to most people, she puts on a good front, but I know her completely and I can tell when she’s torn up inside. Sunday, when her dad took me home, we dropped her off at her mom’s house first. Well actually, we dropped her off at her mom’s halfway house. She’s my absolute best friend in this state and her situation with her mom makes me just want to hold her until she cries it all out.

Sunday was pretty lax. Wayne got off work around 9 and we went and got some pot and then went to the house of one of his co workers and smoked a blunt Then we went to the diner for a while before calling it a night.

Monday, the shit hit the fan. Blake is basically going crazy being stuck in his apartment all day. And when he gets bored, he calls Wayne and harasses him. Wayne expressed to Blake his frustration at the fact that Blake acts like Wayne owes him something. But he didn’t do it in the best way. He has this habit of bringing me into shit and so his exact words to Blake were “We’re sick of you always acting like we owe you something.” Which resulted in this text message from Blake : “im done with u bitch u call cops on me then talk shit on me to Wayne… i never asked u for anything but ciggarettes and u tell Wayne i act like i owe u something fuck you… skank” and now, Blake and I aren’t really talking because I can’t stand it when people accuse me instead of asking me. It’s probably best though if Wayne and I seperate ourselves from him for a while. Wayne’s too caring of a person to just drop Blake less than a week after his suicide attempt. But, I think he’s just about had it. And by the time I get back into town Blake will probably have moved back in with his mom out of state. I love him to death but I’m so sick of taking abuse from friends.

 

Last night, Wayne, Mya, Andrew, My Mom, Katie, and I got together for Weeds. It was great. That show never disappoints and I suggest you start watching it if you don’t already. We all (minus Mya because she came late) smoked a blunt before hand and then another with Mya and without Katie after. Mya spent the night because she didn’t feel like driving home all late at night.

Mya woke me up around 7 this morning and we took a shower together and then went out to breakfast. After breakfast, Mya gave me a ritalin and dropped me off at work. So now, I’m ready to go, and I won’t want to eat all day which is good because breakfast took up a good half of my daily calories so skipping lunch will be nice. Since I don’t have to waste time and money on stupid food today, I’m going to get a manicure instead.

I probably won’t be able to update much while I’m away due to this being a secret blog and all and my not wanting Matt and Julia to find it. But, I’ll keep a journal and post it all when I get back. Hang in there till I return my darling readers.

Who am I kidding? Noone reads this.

Does anyone read this?

If you do read this and enjoy it, you should go ahead and let me know. I mean, I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me, but it would be nice to know if anyone else finds my life as interesting as I do.

Till August 5th,

 

Jane Doe

I go to my local convience store to grab a cup of coffee and a pack of cigarettes. As I go to get my coffee, I see George behind the counter making coffee. I am not happy. I’m sure he told me at some point or another that he had applied there but still. And so, being the horrid bitch that I am, I complain that I need a fresh pot of such and such coffee. George looks at me and says “But you already have a cup of coffee, what do you need another one for?” to which I say “Excuse me, I am your customer and you are my convience store employee. You do not ask me questions, you simply give me what I want.” And then I told him nevermind and left. And now, I need to find a new place to get coffee and I am PISSED. I really like their coffee.

In other news, Blake is better and we are throwing around the idea of getting an apartment. I’m sick of living with Andrew. Blake and I are “thick as thieves” but know each other’s boundaries. Andrew, has just been driving me crazy. The other night, he found out I had weed and just as I was about to go to bed, came up to me and said “Hey Jane, you wanna smoke a bowl?”. I obliged and was then prompted with the question of where my weed was. Not cool. Ugh, the lease is almost up, and if I can get the money together before then, I’m OUT.

Last night, Wayne and Blake and I watched Weeds at Blake’s apartment. Mya was planning to come but couldn’t. Andrew (my best friend and roommate) wasn’t invited per se. It’s not that we don’t adore Andrew, we do. But, he gets on everyone’s nerves just a tad. And I don’t like that he always feels the need to tag along with me and my friends without a proper invite. He almost never invites me on his outings. And I guess that teenager that’s still working her way out of me likes the power of being in the crowd that’s doing the excluding. The night was pretty relaxed really. We smoked like 5 bowls and watched Weeds and that new Showtime show about the call girl and then pretty much passed out. But, it was fun. Blake and Wayne are always fun. Andrew not so much recently.

We’re planning to throw a party on Friday and Andrew conveniently doesn’t have a phone right now so we’re not going to not invite him but we’re not going to invite him. I feel kind of bad making plans to exclude my best friend but dammit he’s just been such a downer lately. I see him everyday so it’s reasonable to get sick of him right?