So, I know, I haven’t written in ages. I’m moving next month and trying to get all of my affairs in order. Things are going well. Scott and I are finally together. It’s scary since I’m leaving soon but we’re trying to make it work. Since this new found relationship began, I’ve been slowing down with the partying. I spend most weekends with Scott which means I spend them sober. I still get high on the weeknights but not as much as I was. I’ll update again soon.

I saw an ex boyfriend in the city yesterday while I was running errands. He didn’t recognize me since I’ve changed my hair and lost weight since we broke up and I was wearing sunglasses so he couldn’t see most of my face. But, I caught him checking me out…. And so did his girlfriend. Can’t say I blame him, she’s not very pretty.

And every thought’s a possibility. And the voices are heard but nothing is seen. Why do you spend this time with me? May be an equal mystery.

For anyone who doesn’t know, that’s the chorus to the Indigo Girls song Mystery. And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is exactly how I felt last night.

Summer is coming to an end. And the nights are cool like Autumn. And last night, I hung out with Andrew all night and couldn’t help but wonder why on earth he puts up with my shit sometimes.

I’ve been really shitty with him lately. Not intentionally really. He was going through this faze before I left. Where he was experimenting with being transgender and wearing skirts and having purple hair. He was behaving in a way more flamboyant fashion than is true to him. And he was unhappy due to the negative energy people were sending him. And he was unhappy due to the fact that he hates his job. But, don’t we all?

While I was away, he was fired. And I came back to the Andrew I’ve been friends with since Freshman year. The Andrew who is always smiling and has this lust for life. The Andrew with the buzz cut dirty blonde hair. The Andrew with words of wisdom who wants to sit and talk about anything and everything well into the morning. The Andrew I know. The Andrew I love. The Andrew who is my best friend.

And so last night, we sat out on the deck and we tie-dyed. We tie-dyed my white flowy skirt and the Hello Kitty hoodie that my Autistic childhood friend got me from an anime convention. We smoked a bit. And we talked. About his transgender experiment, his happiness now that he’s not working that soul devouring job anymore, my potential move back to my home town to work as a nanny for Julia’s mom, and just life in general.

I have my best friend back finally. I have a way out of this dead end state. I have family and friends who love me. And, Autumn is slowly creeping up. And Autumn is a wonderful season. I can’t say it’s my favorite because I love them all for their own respective beauty. But Autumn, Autumn is certainly amazing. The way the air feels. And the colors of the leaves. As the nights start earlier and earlier and the whole world just feels and peace to me. I can’t wait. This will be my last Autumn here and I plan to enjoy it to the best of my ability.

At twenty, while riding in the back of my best friend’s car, I came to the realization that I am really just a bitch. The problem is, I’m not even that good at it. I mean, I’m certainly bitchy. And I can be a total bitch just because I feel like it. But, I don’t have the self esteem to be an alpha bitch. Or the looks for that matter. So why don’t I just stop being a bitch? Manipulation is a skil in which I am a master. It’s the only thing I know for sure I’m good at.

Sometimes I think I should quite like to be an addict. It just seems easy and with the right drug, it gives you a feeling of being terribly glamorous. Cocaine is my drug of choice and I know that I’ve never felt quite the same level of classy as I do when I’ve got a $100 bill up my nose. At the moment, besides pot, the only drug I’m frequenting is diet pills. Mostly as directed but when I’m anxious or otherwise upset, I feel the urge to take lots of them. Such as today, after I talked to my dad.

He knows I’m visiting and I feel obligated to see him while I’m here. Not that I don’t love him, I do. I just don’t like him all that much. Or at all really.

But, he called me tonight to make plans. At least he’s making that effort. I was content just talking about it. So he called me and suggested we go to lunch. I was shooting for coffee, coffee doesn’t last as long. But, I suppose he is driving 30 minutes to see me so I can at least give him an hour of my time. The problem is, we have virtually nothing to talk about. We know the basics of each other’s lives and that’s all either of us cares to know.

I don’t much care for his wife and she doesn’t much care for me and so I have little desire to hear about his family considering they’re my family and I am constantly denied a chance to know them. He despises my mother so I don’t bring her up much. I hate when he goes on tangents about her. And I wish to protect my brother from him at all costs. He’s innocent and not yet tainted by the poison of being too involved with our father. I want him to stay that way. Although his own relationship with him is undoubtedly it’s own kind of poison.

I’m leaving tomorrow morning. I’m going back to the town where I grew up. I used to go there to visit my father but now, I’m staying with two childhood best friends Matt and Julia. I’m excited, I’m anxious, I’m a little scared. I kind of hate going back there. I moved when I was like 8 and it’s always seemed to me like this parallel universe where I could have grown up someone completely different. But I didn’t, and I’ll never know how it would have been. I’m nervous and all, but I can’t fucking wait either.

This weekend (yesterday and today lumped into that mix) has been busy. Saturday Scott took me to see Batman. I loved it. Heath Ledger gave an all star performance that didn’t disappoint.  Scott is a tricky subject. He’s a former school mate who somehow became one of my best friends. Scott is not someone I would normally spend that much time with. He doesn’t do any drugs, he doesn’t drink, he’s a virgin. He reads and writes a lot. Maybe that’s why we became friends. I can’t really talk to most of my friends about books. And I, while still being fabulous, am a complete bookworm. Like sometimes, when I’m out with my friends, all I can think about is how I’d rather be reading. Scott is more than just my book buddy though. He used to have a crush on me but by the time I realized I needed to stop dating assholes and that while he’s not particularly attractive, Scott would be great for me, he had decided to move on. And so now, we’re in this limbo where we hint at it from time to time but neither of us has the balls to be serious. One day, when I get my shit together, it’ll happen. But I’m just not ready to be an adult yet. Soon, but not today.

After Batman, Lexi’s dad picked me up and I spent the night at her house. We did the usual, went to the park, took pictures, smoked pot, took more pictures, went out, smoked more pot, came home, slept. And of course the deep conversations happened too. Lexi makes me sad sometimes. She’s only 16 but we click because like me, she had to grow up too fast. Plus we share the depression/eating disorder history. I only had to grow up because my mom needed help taking care of my brother. Lexi had to grow up too fast due to a brother who raped her and a mom with a drug addiction. So often, she just seems so sad. Not to most people, she puts on a good front, but I know her completely and I can tell when she’s torn up inside. Sunday, when her dad took me home, we dropped her off at her mom’s house first. Well actually, we dropped her off at her mom’s halfway house. She’s my absolute best friend in this state and her situation with her mom makes me just want to hold her until she cries it all out.

Sunday was pretty lax. Wayne got off work around 9 and we went and got some pot and then went to the house of one of his co workers and smoked a blunt Then we went to the diner for a while before calling it a night.

Monday, the shit hit the fan. Blake is basically going crazy being stuck in his apartment all day. And when he gets bored, he calls Wayne and harasses him. Wayne expressed to Blake his frustration at the fact that Blake acts like Wayne owes him something. But he didn’t do it in the best way. He has this habit of bringing me into shit and so his exact words to Blake were “We’re sick of you always acting like we owe you something.” Which resulted in this text message from Blake : “im done with u bitch u call cops on me then talk shit on me to Wayne… i never asked u for anything but ciggarettes and u tell Wayne i act like i owe u something fuck you… skank” and now, Blake and I aren’t really talking because I can’t stand it when people accuse me instead of asking me. It’s probably best though if Wayne and I seperate ourselves from him for a while. Wayne’s too caring of a person to just drop Blake less than a week after his suicide attempt. But, I think he’s just about had it. And by the time I get back into town Blake will probably have moved back in with his mom out of state. I love him to death but I’m so sick of taking abuse from friends.

 

Last night, Wayne, Mya, Andrew, My Mom, Katie, and I got together for Weeds. It was great. That show never disappoints and I suggest you start watching it if you don’t already. We all (minus Mya because she came late) smoked a blunt before hand and then another with Mya and without Katie after. Mya spent the night because she didn’t feel like driving home all late at night.

Mya woke me up around 7 this morning and we took a shower together and then went out to breakfast. After breakfast, Mya gave me a ritalin and dropped me off at work. So now, I’m ready to go, and I won’t want to eat all day which is good because breakfast took up a good half of my daily calories so skipping lunch will be nice. Since I don’t have to waste time and money on stupid food today, I’m going to get a manicure instead.

I probably won’t be able to update much while I’m away due to this being a secret blog and all and my not wanting Matt and Julia to find it. But, I’ll keep a journal and post it all when I get back. Hang in there till I return my darling readers.

Who am I kidding? Noone reads this.

Does anyone read this?

If you do read this and enjoy it, you should go ahead and let me know. I mean, I’m not writing for you, I’m writing for me, but it would be nice to know if anyone else finds my life as interesting as I do.

Till August 5th,

 

Jane Doe